Finding independence, again
Weeks seem to be flying by as I emerge from my fug of recuperating. I saw the surgeon's physio and my physio this week and got the tick to resume some of my normal activities like driving, going back to work, walking until my knee begins to stiffen (about 60 houses now) and cycling (five minutes on an exercise bike). Hopping into the driver's seat for the first time in three weeks reminded me of all those moments in my life where I have grappled back some skerrick of independence.
Back in the mid-90s, I took a day off work. I'd had a number of people tell me that I needed to look after myself. I'd heard of this place called Hepburn Springs and I booked in for a bunch of what felt like self-indulgent things. My life wasn't the normal kind of fun that other early-20-year-olds were experiencing. At the time I was managing the highest level complaints for a large telco company spending most of my time talking on the phone to people who were furious for one reason or another. When I came home in the evenings, I was always unsure as to what I would find in my partially renovated house. My ex-husband was a drug addict who suffered from a schizo-effective disorder. When I jumped in the car and drove out of Melbourne, every grain of stress dissolved. Unfortunately, I did end up with one of the most enormous migraine attacks I have ever encountered that day. But I'd escaped for a moment and that was all that mattered.
Another time, not long after that when I'd cottoned onto the reality that I needed more time to let my shoulders relax from their usual place of tension, I loaded my two dogs, a camp stove, sleeping bag and mattress in the car and took off to a campsite not far from Melbourne. As I lay in the back of the car that night I felt the true freedom I knew I needed.
Many years later (new life, husband and family) when my eldest was extremely ill not long after Mum died, I bought her car from her estate. It was the same egg yolk yellow as the last car I had owned that was mine and not shared with a partner. Hopping in that car reminded me of being young, free. I wound down the window and drove up the highway to my first writing retreat with my new writing buddies and began to feel like myself again.
I love belonging to my family but I also need time to be alone, be myself. I need to be able to step away from it all and feel free. Three weeks of having to rely on others to take me here and there reminded me of all the times that I felt shackled to a life that I had no or little control over.
This week, however, has been slightly frustrating as I have had a long round of migraine attacks that have lasted eight days. This is the longest stint I've had in a while and last night I had to do a great deal of reminding myself that it ends as I began to fall into a depressive slump. Long term chronic pain and depression go hand in hand, unfortunately, but thankfully, I am fairly well seasoned with it and can help myself out of it.
Today is the first day that I have emerged from it. It's early in the morning but I'm feeling confident that I won't be hit with another one today as long as I avoid any triggers and am gentle with myself. This week made me think about Ashley Kalagian Blunt's Lost Hours Project, but as she says, it's depressing looking at all the hours (or days) lost. Instead, I make another mark in my diary so that when I see the neurologist, we try to unpick what's going on with my brain.
Great things that happened this week
More movement in my leg meaning small walks, less pain
A visit from my good friend Kate Mildenhall where we talked about writing, finishing drafts and her upcoming trip to Adelaide this weekend for the Adelaide Writers Week to talk about her book, The Mother Fault (if you haven't read it, grab a copy)
A visit from another writer mate, Krysia, who surprised me with a houseplant to join my jungle and we talked about writing, parenting young adults and work-life balance
Back to work for a day and seeing workmates and students who greeted me with enthusiasm and reminded me how much I love working with them
Ten days without a drink of alcohol and while it hasn't seemed to make any difference to my migraines (see above...) it's making me think about how drinking is such a huge part of our culture and it can be so destructive to so many people's lives
Finished knitting a baby blanket and sent it off with a stumpy tailed lizard I'd knitted
Started knitting another baby blanket and thought about how much I love babies
Things I've been thinking about this week
Getting off socials, but fear of FOMO - Miranda Luby made the leap this week and wrote about this fear. I'm worried that I'll miss out on hearing about what's going on in the writing world as I learn so much on the socials, but it a) steals my time, and b) adds to my insecurities about my own writing.
Bush food plants - my plants have arrived and now the fun begins as I work out where to plant them
House renovations - changes that need to be made etc. Having renovated before, I am not excited about it as I know the mess, inconvenience and costs involved, but as our kitchen wall continues to drop, we have no choice.
The end of summer and how it always makes me feel a little sad. I always have a sense at the end of summer that I want to go back and make more of it. I thought about this time last year and how the world was crumbling around us at this stage with the fear of COVID and the relief I felt when schools were shut down and I was able to feel safe working from home. The sunsets from my verandah during this time were a salve and thinking about this reminded me that maybe it's okay for summer to end and autumn to begin. I am trying to enjoy the moments as they are.
This week's reading
White Tears, Brown Scars (Ruby Hamad) - tough, essential reading for white people
Never Let Me Go (Kazuo Ishiguro) - reading for work as our students study it. I'm not far in but am hooked already.
The Death of Francis Bacon (Max Porter) - strange, short and wonderful
This week's listening
None Shall Sleep (Ellie Marney) audiobook - perfectly suspenseful
The Book Show (ABC Radio National) with Claire Nichols talking to Maggie O'Farrell about what drew her to writing Hamnet
This week's watching (which will be a lot less next week when I am at work more than I am not)
Money Heist (Netflix)
Sense8 (Netflix)
This week's writing
Wrote a letter from one of my protagonists to me (the writer) where she revealed some secrets
Wrote a new scene that emerged from these secrets
Edited a chapter
Learning more and more about the daughter as I write from her point of view
I hope the week has been kind to you and thanks for reading
Warm wishes, Meg
Thanks for reading.
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