rejection and failure
on how to see our way through rejection and/or failure
To my dear Musers
I’ve just had a bunch of ‘Unfortunately…’ emails pop into my inbox and even though I know it’s all a part of it, my ego takes a hit. It’s reminded me of a conversation I had with my Writing Momentum group a few weeks ago about how to see our way through rejections and how we need to make sure we don’t tag these rejections emails as our own personal failure.
Seeing our way through rejection and/or failure
Failure and rejection are a huge part of creating. Through these, we grow as creatives by pushing ourselves. But, I often hear from my coaching clients that this is something that they struggle with, especially the repeating rejection emails from submissions.
This arises mostly because our focus is too sharp on the end product, the destination, the publishing contract, winning a prize, having a poem or story accepted, getting a residency. When we do this, our focus shifts away from the journey, the fact that it’s the creation, the writing that brings us joy; instead, we begin to attach our sense of self-worth on this success. We begin to think that we have failed, we have been rejected. Our sense of self worth is then attached to what we think success looks like, which in turn means that when we don’t win, get accepted or receive the accolades we anticipated, our self-worth is now attached to our failure.
In this same thinking, success in a competition or submission becomes our own success rather than the the words or the art achieving success, which can make us feel frustrated when we can’t replicate that success again. Of course, the success is from our hard work but the words or the art are not us and it can be dangerous to go down that path of attaching ourselves to the success or failure of what we create as this often paralyses creatives.
How do we move away from this?
It’s tough. I get it. I feel the sting seeing the word ‘unfortunately’. But I think that it is imperative that we learn to create a distinction between the finished product that we send out into the world and our own self worth. We have no control over how our creations are going to be received by others. Instead, we need to get to the point of understanding that our self-worth is not defined by our success or failure. Rejection and failure are just a part of the writing and creative life but our stories or art are not us.
We are not rejected.
We have not failed.
We have succeeded in creating something and we need to get on with the job of creating more.
How can we shift our thinking?
We can explore the idea of creating some distance between our sense of self and things that happen, e.g. the rejection letter. We can separate the end product from you – the manuscript, application, piece of art – by turning our focus onto the joy of being able to put thoughts and ideas into the creation and remind ourselves that we don’t have to do this if it is too hard.
We don’t have to do this.
Only do this if you enjoy the process of creating. Life is too short to become so twisted up in someone else’s notion of success and failure.
We can journal to reflect on how we want to turn up to our writing. We can turn to playing more with our writing and art making as a way of distracting our mind from that sharp and negative focus. We can set a goal of chalking up more rejections a bit like exposure therapy as submitting more can take the sting out of rejection.
We can stop, if it has become too painful. No one is holding us ransom to the act of creating.
Most importantly, we need to find other ways to find joy back in our creating.
A number of years ago, I shifted my focus from chalking up successes to chalking up rejections. This didn’t mean I had given up, on the contrary. Instead, I became hungry to create more so I could get enough rejections each year. The more I had, the more I knew I had done the work and put it out there. Just because the work didn’t land with the judges/panel, didn’t mean it wasn’t great, it meant that it wasn’t for them or there was something that struck a better note for them.
How do you hold yourself through those rejection emails?
Other things
Writing life
My rom com is still resting and my historical fiction is doing the rounds with my agent championing it. I’m still in a bit of a liminal state with what’s next, but something is bubbling to the surface and I’m writing some very ugly first words to work out what it is. I always find it hard to come off something polished into something I have no real idea of what it is about because my expectation on my writing is too high for first words. I’ve pulled out my post-it note (First Words are Shit Words) and stuck it on my screen to hold me through this phase.
Reading
I have a few on the go (as usual) at the moment. On my bedside table, I have To Sing of War by Catherine McKinnon and Theory & Practice by Michelle De Kretser. I’m nearly finished To Sing of War and while I don’t love it as much as her last novel Storyland (which is sublime), I am loving the story movement through Japan, New Guinea and America during the Second World War. I’m biting my nails knowing that at any moment the bomb will go off and there will be tears.
I attended the Wheeler Centre event with Sophie Cunningham and Michelle De Kretser about Michelle’s new book. There was a lot of love and respect on the stage between them of each other’s work and it's made me hunger for a whole bunch of classics that I haven’t read. I’ve dipped my toes in Michelle’s slim novel and it is good.
A week ago I attended Tim Winton’s launch at Melbourne Uni and there was a lot of love in the room for him and his work. I’ve decided I will need to wait until I’m on holidays to read this weighty novel. In lovely Tim style, when he heard that the books we had received had not be autographed, he insisted on doing signings. Sigh.
I’m still listening to Praiseworthy by Alexis Wright. I had struggled to get into the paperback, but someone suggested listening to it as it gave an indigenous voice to the story. It is a great listen and I highly recommend.
What’s on your bedside table?
What are you reading (or listening to) and loving?
Watching
We’ve succumbed to Apple TV, only because I wanted to watch Ted Lasso and the place we stayed at in Sydney had Apple TV which gave us the taster. As I had to upgrade my phone when the microphones died, I was eligible for 3 months free Apple TV. I love all of the book placements in Ted Lasso, the philosophy and the clever writing. Chef’s kiss.
M has been away looking after his mum who has breast cancer and this has afforded me time to watch anything I want (and not Ted Lasso as that would be cheating). I got stuck into Disclaimer, which has great tension, and Cate Blanchett and Kevin Kline. Chef’s kiss again.
Fisk. ABC. Need I say anymore? Double chef’s kiss. Or triple.
I’ve just cancelled our Stan subscription as I think we are oversubscribed. Between us five, we now have Binge (paid for by one of the kids), Netflix and now Apple TV (which I have promised myself I will cancel before I have to begin paying for it). How many streaming services do you have in your household?
What are you watching and loving?
Five things
Overland (magazine) is running its annual Subscriberthon. You can win some great prizes if you subscribe (or renew your subscription) before 7 November.
I’m running a free event again this month: Four Steps to Creative Freedom. It’s for writers, artists and hobbyists. If you’re struggling to find the time, space and joy for your creativity, come along and I’ll share some strategies to help you. Join here
The Cup is on this weekend and living in the same suburb of it, I potentially hate it more than most (think non stop helicopters, endless road closures because of Cup trains and drunken fools). The only thing that’s good about it is that it reminds me to plant my tomatoes and my roses are in full bloom.
My slow cooker dish smashed the other week and I had to replace it as I use it at least once a week. I did the research and am now the proud owner of a slow/fast cooker that does pressure cooking, searing, slow cooking and so much more. I may have bought my way out of a job.
My sister
has a solo exhibition REMOTE on at No Vacancy gallery. It’s a stunning exhibition of art representing remote places in Australia, Scotland and Iceland.
What’s caught your eye lately?
Thank you dear Musers for reading.
Til next time
x M
PS: 2025 Writing Retreats!
I’m hunting for a new home for my writing retreats as the owners of the place I’ve been using are selling. I’m open to anything at the moment (including an enormous gift that would enable me to purchase it solely for writing retreats).