warmth

on having time in the warmth before returning to the cold and that time off (aka holidays) is wellbeing banked

Dear Musers

I’m sorry for the delay in the latest newsletter. I’m out of whack from holidays and am gearing up for the next writing retreat that starts tomorrow. Anyway, here it is.

I am back from my amazing North West holiday and it was everything that I had hoped it to be and more. I still have the warmth in my bones and I’m hoping that holds me for the rest of winter.

In that first week when my brain was still going at a bonkers rate thinking about all the work I needed to do, I struggled. I’m not very good at switching off, especially given how huge the start of this year has been with work and life. As the days progressed toward the end of the first week of holiday, I began to let go more, be more present.

It was wonderful to be under the big sky, have the red earth under my feet, marvel at nature in all its beauty. M and I reminisced about when we were last on these roads, in these gorges, under those trees. We talked about our time with the boys, all the way back then 14 years ago, and how monumental that year on the road was for us, how we spent nearly every cent we had leaving us with only $200 to our names, how we all changed during that year, the people we met and what we learned from them, of how lucky we are to have such a beautiful relationship with our three sons, how lucky we are to have each other. We talked of the changes that we saw, of how much more populated the roads, campsites are now, of how much more bitumen there is now on the roads making it so much more accessible, of the birds, plants, flowers. Of how different it looks at the end of the wet compared to the end of the dry. We watched birds and remembered our dear friends who got us onto this beautiful pastime. We saw striated herons, white-bellied sea eagles, rainbow bee eaters and so much more. I will never stop being in awe of birds, flowers, dirt, sunsets and sunrises, water, nature, stars.

Some of the many photos of us on our trip

We sat and talked and listened, long, with other travellers, locals. Heard stories of the land, of their lives, of change, of tributes to others. We swam in rivers, gorges and beaches. We read, listened to books, talked to each other. We spent time marvelling and being. M drove, I knitted. It rained, and he navigated the dirt roads deftly, I knitted and held my breath.

As we got closer to Broome, I missed Mum more and more. On our last trip she met us in Broome and we took her camping with us for a week. It was blissful, but now I wonder what a shock it would have been for her flying from Melbourne to Broome in July to camp in the heat. I also thought of how I would call her each time we were in coverage to let her know we were okay, and how much I loved speaking to her then and how she was so thrilled to hear about our travels. This time, I ached to call her, and instead called my boys. One station person said that they’ve noticed how so many travellers have to check in with their kids.

Sunset at Cable Beach

The trip was to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary, which is actually today. On Saturday, it will be 27 years since we decided we wanted to take our friendship further.

I remember, still, that moment when I realised that M was genuinely interested in me and was prepared to take a gamble on me. At the time, I was freshly divorced from a mess of a marriage that had been a mess from the start (mental health, drug addiction, affairs, suicide attempts) and hadn’t thought that anyone would want to commit to a lifetime with me. I was only 26 and had lost those years most call their best years to caring for my ex, going from work to the clinics, checking him into clinics, calling the CAT team. After the divorce, I had spent most nights after work sitting on the armchair in front of the heater, lights off, nursing a glass of whisky, wondering what to do with my messy life. In those moments, I thought all I had going for me was my career.

Until M took a punt on me. For the last 27 years, I have been so thankful for that.

Our last moment on Cable Beach on Saturday before jumping on the plane to come home. Look at that sky! The water! Our smiles.

Now, I need to get back to packing for tomorrow’s retreat as M and I are off for dinner to celebrate our anniversary (again). It’s something worth celebrating. I’m glad he has my back, and I his.

Lastly, I found this John O’Donohue poem through the On Being podcast and it resonates with me. I hope you get something from it too.

Beannacht / Blessing by John O’Donohue

For Josie, my mother

On the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble,
may the clay dance
to balance you.

And when your eyes
freeze behind
the grey window
and the ghost of loss
gets into you,
may a flock of colours,
indigo, red, green
and azure blue,
come to awaken in you
a meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays
in the currach of thought
and a stain of ocean
blackens beneath you,
may there come across the waters
a path of yellow moonlight
to bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
may the clarity of light be yours,
may the fluency of the ocean be yours,
may the protection of the ancestors be yours.

And so may a slow
wind work these words
of love around you,
an invisible cloak
to mind your life.

Reading

I read a lot while on holidays:

• Limberlost by Robbie Arnott (stunningly beautiful)

• No Church in The Wild by Murray Middleton (interestingly set in the school that I used to work in and I know who some of these characters are)

• Cold Enough for Snow by Jessica Au (stunning, beautiful, short)

• Housekeeping by Marilynne Robinson (beautiful domestic writing that made me think of Shirley Jackson)

• The Fragments by Toni Jordan (a wonderful weaving of historical fiction and two timelines)

• The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho (a fable about following your dreams)

• The Survivors by Jane Harper (a gripping story set in Tasmania)

• Red River Road by Anna Downes (a pacy thriller set in WA)

• Hospital by Sanya Rushdi (a great short novel tackling psychosis)

• Eleanor Jones is not a Murderer by Amy Doak (a YA mystery crime)

Current reads are:

The Years by Annie Ernaux, Abandon Every Hope by Hayley Singer and Praiseworthy by Alexis Wright

Watching

• A legacy interview on the art and craft of children’s literature Jane Yolen and Heidi E.Y. Stemple on the Art and Craft of Picture Books

• Latest season of Bridgerton (how good!)

• Baby Reindeer (feeling conflicted)

Five things

1. A wonderful conversation about the inner beauty of landscape with the late John O’Donohue

2. Time spent in no coverage is like swallowing life whole.

3. Hold those you love close, and be gentle with others. Recently, I’ve been thinking deeply about the fragility of mental health. On the same day a friend ended their life last month, someone who I had thought was a friend was brutally awful to me. As I drove home, I questioned everything about myself and wondered about my place in the world. I was shocked at how easily I slid into such a dark place. I was glad I had people to go home to, friends to reach out to, glad of all the work I have done to hold myself.

4. Winter days like today are divine. Freezing mornings and sunny days.

5. ‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ — Theodore Roosevelt

Thank you dear Musers for reading and stay warm.

Til next time

x M