On having my cake and eating it too

January things

Hello, my friends. Thank you for reading my newsletter and a huge thank you to those who have kindly chosen a paid subscription. You have buoyed me on.

This is my first newsletter since the day before I began my new job and that’s had more to with me enjoying the days of January than anything else. I’m loving my job and feel like I’ve landed into the dream team. I’ve struck the perfect balance of work with three days a week and it’s freed me up in the other times to read, write and think.

As I walked at dawn the other day, it struck me how I feel like I’m having my cake and eating it too. The phrase “you can’t have your cake and eat it too” with the oldest known use of the proverb in a letter from Thomas, Duke of Norfolk to Thomas Cromwell in 1538 (The Grammarist) means you can’t have it all. But I’m not sure. I think it depends on what you are wishing for.

When the thought popped into my mind, I was thinking about how I have carved a life that I wanted. I was on the way back my morning half hour walk down to the creek. I timed it so that I would meet in the virtual space with some beautiful writer mates to check in before switching off to get the words done before starting my work day in a job that I love for all the reasons of using old skills, learning new skills and being in a team that has a laugh and has pride in their work but also love a balance life. I was on my way back home to my home that fills me with joy and my family who are some of the best people in my life. Yes, I thought, I can have my cake and eat it too. I am not using up these things so they don’t exist anymore; instead, they grow, I grow. What I had wished for wasn’t a consumable that would no longer exist. Instead I was investing in and reaping benefits from all of these things.

A year ago, I was in a different place. It took me nearly falling apart completely to know I needed to create change. The change I needed in my life felt a little like jumping off a cliff with my eyes closed, but when I mentioned that to a friend they added: with a parachute on. I think we often forget that when we are taking huge risks to create change like leaving a job, we are doing it with skills and experience.

It is not the first time I have taken a heart-bumping risk. In 2010, I pulled my kids (aged 6, 8 and 10) out of school, told my husband to leave his job and we travelled Australia with not much more than a trailer tent, camping chairs and a stove. We were not flush with funds—heck, I hadn’t been in paid work for ten years at the time—but I knew deep in my heart that this was something that was great than money, that as a family we would grow and collect memories worth much more than that. And we did.

I think we also gained a resilience that has stood us in good stead through rough times that none of us saw coming.

So when I made the decision to leave my job in October last year, I was afraid I wouldn’t get a job that would make me happy, but I also knew that I had the resilience to see it through and had the deep and undying support of my husband and sons.

Are you stuck in a rut that makes you unhappy? Are you prepared to take a risk to happiness? If this has struck a chord with you, please comment or consider choosing a paid subscription.

Other beautiful things

On a second trip to Bendigo to deliver a fridge to my son, I popped into Bookish Bendigo, a bookshop co-owned by my friend from RMIT. It was fabulous to see her and to see how busy it was!

Watched

My husband and I love watching movies and January is the month where time spreads, warm evening air flows through the house and we sit up late to catch up on movies we’ve missed. These are some of the noteworthy ones.

Jurassic World Dominion

I loved the ecological statement in this movie about how we need to learn to live with each other to coexist and not wipe each other out.

Where The Crawdads Sing

A coworker from my previous job recommended this to me. The previous day he mentioned he was going to see it and was concerned that it would destroy his love of the book. It didn’t, and I can confirm this. It is so beautiful and worth watching even if you read the book. In fact, still read the book first. It is still one of my most loved ones. And I cried. Again.

Green Book

This movie was deeply thought provoking and horrifying. Set in segregated Sixties America, it tell the true story of the burgeoning friendship between a black classical pianist Don Shirley and his bigoted Italian-American driver. The movie created controversy when it won Best Picture (and Best Original Screenplay, Best Actor, Best Supporting and Best Film Editing) in the 2019 Oscars for its whitewashing of the story and the misrepresentation of the pianist Shirley and the redemption of his driver. Having said that, I would say it is worth watching for its thought provocation and insight into the horrors of segregation. 

Whiplash

This 2014 film has incredible soundtrack that had me feeling it way into the night. A wonderful film that interrogates the fine line between a teacher driving students to get the best of them and inflicting emotional trauma on them. I hated the final scene. It infuriated me. I’m happy to chat more on this with anyone who has seen it.

Self compassion

After listening to Chris Cheers’s chat with Jacinta Parsons on ABC Radio this afternoon (skip to about the 2.30pm mark on Thursday 2 Feb) about reframing the thinking from self care to self compassion, I was reminded of some self compassion exercises from Dr Neff I started doing. One of them (How would you treat a friend?) reminded me of something my psychologist said to me when I spoke about myself negatively: If this was your friend, would you to say to them? Words I have passed onto my friends when I hear them speak in negative ways about themselves. As Dr Neff says, Why not try treating yourself like a good friend and see what happens?

Chris Cheers launched his book The New Rulebook last night and, while I was not at that event, I was at Graeme Simsion’s and Anne Buist’s joint book launches which were at the same venue and there was a lot of love for all three authors there. Graeme’s new book is Creative Differences and other short stories and Anne’s is Locked Ward, a psychological thriller.

Some of the ways I have enacted self compassion lately has included cleaning up my open tabs on my computer and on my phone. I had over 250 open tabs on my phone and over 50 on my computer. All of these weighed on me each time I opened my computer, pulling at me as unfinished business or thoughts. My computer crashed which mean I lost the open tabs. I could have reopened the lot (and past me would have) but instead, I chose not to. This, then, encouraged me to start closing the ones on my phone. I am down to 52, which is better but can be improved. I felt less anchored to things that I felt I ‘should’ do or read.

I have also chosen to spend less time on socials. This was helped by moving out of a job that required it, but the impetus came from realising how much time I spent on them. I am feeling liberated with this.

Other lovely things

With my eldest now living in Bendigo, I am trying to make the most of this. Last weekend we caught the train to Macedon to have lunch with him. After lunch we had a lovely walk at Sanatorium Lake, where I had been with Ilka Tampke and Michelle Scott Tucker after a nature writing workshop. It’s a stunning place.

I am not brilliant at allowing myself time ‘off’ and have a load of negative language that I have historically used around it. But, I have had some lovely moments over the last month that has included going for walks around the local nature reserve observing the wildlife, lying in my hammock to read or watch the leaves moving in my tree, and swims at the beach. These moments are so restorative.

Williamstown beach in the evening

At the beach one windy early evening, I witnessed a moment that was intimate and of the most tender of human interactions. It reminded me that intimacy is often found in the smallest of actions. Two middle aged men came out of the water to their belongings. One picked up a bag and held it open as the other pulled out the towel. Then they unfolded together, each holding an end to ensure none of the towel hit the sand. With their respective ends of the towel, they dried their faces taking in more of their end of towel with each wipe. They drew each other closer until they were nearly kissing. Then one took both ends and folded it as the other picked up their bag and they left the beach.

Reading

The cover of The Victorian Writer, which I read at Williamstown beach

I have had a lovely time reading over the last month, including the Victorian Writer which is packed full with glorious writing (join Writers Victoria to get your hands on it).

Some books I devoured in a day, others embed their voice my brain as I sleep (Grace Chan, I’m looking at you). All of them are recommendations.

Someone Else’s Child by Kylie Orr - I read this in a day. My fingers flicking the pages past quickly. It enthralling, gripping and all the things that made me think about the complexity of motherhood.

Seeing Other People by Diana Reid - I’m late to the Diana Reid party, but yes! She’s good. She’s been likened to Sally Rooney, our Australian Rooney, and is everything she’s been hyped up to be. All that angsty introspection of young adults with some clever twists.

House of Kwa by Mimi Kwa - Far out! Mimi’s memoir is amazing. A colleague from my last job told me about it. A friend wrote a book, she said. I then met Mimi at a writers festival event and realised who she was. Mimi starts her memoir a few generations back and draws the reader through to the present. In doing so, she tells the reader to have compassion and empathy for her father. Mimi has had an incredible life. The book also taught me a great deal about Hong Kong and the atrocities that were inflicted there during World War II. A hard recommend.

Severance by Ling Ma - oh my goodness. Ling Ma is brilliant. I borrowed this from the library as I heard her new book is brilliant and I prefer to read author’s books in order. Severance is set in a world not dissimilar to ours where a pandemic sweeps across the world, despite being written prior to our current pandemic. Satirical and heartfelt. I couldn’t put it down. Sad, beautiful, enthralling.

I’m currently reading Every Version of Us by Grace Chan (think Never Let Me Go meets Black Mirror). The protagonist’s voice is embedding in my brain, which feels like a reflection of the story, but more on that next time.

As always, you can follow my reads over at Goodreads

Lastly

A short story, Still or Sparkling Water? by Bill Adler because it’s good see how a sentence can work.

Still or Sparkling Water?

The rest of this newsletter is for my paid subscribers. If you’d like to know more about my writing life, upgrade to a paid subscription. If not, thank you for reading and until next time,

x M

Thank you!

Thank you so much for your paid subscription.

In doing so, you have given me a huge injection of hope that someone believes in me as a writer and is willing to invest in this.

This month I caught up with a friend who I haven’t seen in a long time. She asked how my writing was going. I gave her the update of lack of interest from agents so far in my manuscript.

She said, ‘I hope you keep the belief in yourself. You’re a bloody good writer. Your words are worth reading.’

I didn’t know she’d read anything I had written. Her words were a huge shot of belief in my writing.

And so, I carry on writing.

Writing updates

I am about 33000 words in my new manuscript—think The Office meets Brigid Jones’ Diary set in a school library—and am having fun with it. I sit down to it each morning and this helps to ease the fear, almost as though I am sneaking up on it before I worry about whether I’m writing something worth publishing. I do love these first words of a manuscript where the character can surprise me as I learn more about them.

I wrote a new short story for the NYC Midnight Short Story Contest. I have done it for a few years now and love doing it as it forces me into genres I haven’t previously written in. This year, it was Crime Caper. I was given the character’s career (pencil pusher) and the subject (serial number/s). Every one of the 5500 participants are put into groups of about 28 writers. Each group has its own set of genre, career and subject. Results come out in April and if I am in the top three of my group, I will move to the second round. It was a fun genre—think The Gentlemen, Ocean’s Eleven vibe-and it’s a great amount of pressure to write under.

I have also been editing another short story Farm hand needed, comes with house and dog that shines a spotlight on the death of country towns as we know them.

No news on The Needleworker’s Daughter. I spent the second half of last year trying to find an agent for it. It’s an incredibly tough market in Australia, and agents are harder to find than hen’s teeth. A writer friend is reading it at the moment and will provide me with feedback soon. Then, I’ll work out what needs to be done before sending it out to publishers.

Is there anything else you’d like to hear about like my writing routines, how I juggle working from home and writing from home or anything else? Please let me know in the comments.

Until next time

x M